Amazon is the go-to destination for electronics, snacks, clothes, and so much more. But there’s a dark side of Amazon—an oft unvisited zone, where uranium, fire ants, wooden cabins, and UFO detectors all come with free shipping.
We’re going to take you into that zone, and you might even come out with a few purchases. Here are 14 things you didn’t know you could buy on Amazon.
Unrefined Uranium Oxide
If you haven’t added unrefined uranium oxide to your Amazon wishlist or wedding registry, then clearly, you have no idea what you’re doing! It emits ionizing radiation and causes Geiger counters to scream in agony. And despite what anyone else might tell you, this guy on Yahoo Answers says you can own uranium without a license.
Sadly, Amazon doesn’t sell enriched uranium or plutonium. But hey—maybe someday!
Lou-Wheeze the Flexible Latex Lung Model
Believe it or not, Amazon can scare you straight. They sell an educational cardboard cutout named, Lou-Wheeze—a woman with one perfect lung and one crappy lung.
Why does Lou-Wheeze expose her lungs? Well, she’s an inanimate educational resource you can use to teach your kids (or yourself, or your parents) what happens when you only inhale smoke through one nostril (you end up with one really crappy lung).
Two Tubes of Live Red Ants
If you want, you can buy two tubes of live red ants from Amazon right now. Supposedly, you can use them to create a colony. We haven’t had the chance to fact-check this information, as the ants we ordered managed to escape from their tubes. We had to kill our ants before they could kill us.
Note: According to Amazon, you should only order these ants if the temperature in your area is between 40 and 85 degrees Fahrenheit.
An Urn with a Guitar on It
You’ve probably never purchased an urn from Amazon. Well, guess what! Amazon sells urns and caskets, and some of them are pretty cool.
Our favorite Amazon urn is manufactured by NWA (possibly affiliated with Ice Cube). It’s our favorite because it has a hollow body Gretsch guitar on it. We think it should be your favorite, too, because who doesn’t like guitars?
The Unassembled Parts of an Unpainted Wooden House
Don’t buy a big expensive house—build one yourself with an Allwood cabin kit! These kits are great fun for you and the family. They’re big, unpainted, and not eligible for two-day shipping. Sure, they’re not as cheap as trailers, but they require a lot more effort!
A 96-inch Giant Inflatable Gorilla
Thinking of starting a car dealership? Well, lucky for you, Amazon sells giant inflatable gorillas! This hairy (but not really hairy) 96-inch-tall beast will attract customers by the dozens! His beautiful smile will inspire your employees to make record-breaking sales, while his frozen gaze will intimidate your rivals.
Fundies: Underwear for Two (One Size Fits All)
Did you know Amazon sells two-person underwear? This incredible undergarment comes with four built-in leg holes, so you and a friend can cut down on laundry! And guess what else! It’s available for free Prime delivery.
A UFO Detector That Actually Works
Ever wonder what’s out there beyond the night sky? Well, there are almost certainly one or two aliens hanging around just waiting for you to let your guard down. But if you grab this totally real UFO detector, you can protect yourself!
According to Images SI, Inc., this UFO detector alerts you when “simultaneous magnetic and electromagnetic disturbances” are afoot. Sure, it’s possible this product is simply a government ploy to instill false hope in your feeble human brain, but it looks pretty scientific to us.
A Windows Phone
Oddly enough, Amazon sells something called a Nokia Lumia 735 “Windows phone.” It appears to be some kind of ancient cell phone or something. Our research shows this “phone” was created at some point in 2014.
An Amazon review from 2017 claims this device is “better than the iPhones.”
The Taco Train
Hard shell tacos are stupid. They don’t know how to stand up straight, and it’s really frustrating. Thankfully, Amazon sells the Taco Train. It’s the only device that can keep your hard shell tacos in an upright position and hold your chips and salsa in the caboose.
While we wish someone would invent a taco holder that doesn’t look like a dirty trolley from an abandoned mall, this will have to do for now.
Wheel the taco train around your countertop and impress all your friends!
A 3-D Cockroach Body Pillow
We live in a world where Amazon sells cockroach body pillows, and you should appreciate that fact. These super-cute, fuzzy, 3-D cockroach pillows come in three different sizes (13.8 inches, 21.6 inches, or 29.5 inches), and they make a perfect gift!
Hey, it’s better than uranium.
The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China
According to the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco, economics are pretty important. So, why not study the economics of wooden toilet seats in Greater China?
The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China is a fascinating, 142-page study of the latent demand outlook for wooden toilet seats in China’s many autonomous regions, municipalities, and special administrative regions. It’s a fascinating read, and you can get it with free shipping through Amazon Prime.
A Giant Fiberglass Marlin
Remember those dusty old fiberglass fish that used to line the walls of the local science museum? No? Well, now you can build some new memories with your own giant fiberglass marlin. This beautiful behemoth is 58 inches long, and it’s sure to impress your friends. For a week or two.
A Sexy Nicholas Cage Pillowcase
There’s nothing like coming home to the one you love. Replace that nasty old pillowcase with this 20- x 30-inch one, featuring a sexy Nicholas Cage. Made of soft-to-the-touch “baby wool fabric,” this pillowcase is machine-washable. And, according to the seller, it’s “not easy to generate static electricity” with this, if you’re worried about that.